CITY OF PAIN

MOMMY's CRYING

2007-02-19T14:43:00.000+08:00

I am only human so please don’t be surprised to see me breaking down. NO matter how much I try to be perfect for you, I still commit mistakes. I still get scared. I still get nervous. I still get lonely. And it’s because I’m just an imperfect creature. I can’t say don’t expect too much on me because I know great kids like you expect a lot from mom’s like me. I want to be with you always, see you and be with you everyday of my life. But somehow, the heavens must have some other things in store for me. And we just have to be patient with the ways of heaven. But I need to be strong for you, right? And I’m going to take you away soon. No matter what it takes me, I’m going to take you away… and we can live far from everyone around us. We can start a new life. We can start a happier life. Just us.

DIE SLOWLY

2007-02-17T01:38:00.000+08:00

Why do you enjoy hurting me always?! Why do you have to make me feel so fucking mad about everything?! It's been three years and god knows how much I've tried to move on, how much I've tried to live my life without you in it. I hate you and everything that came with loving and marrying you. I hate you and every memory I had with you because it reminds me of how pathetic and stupid I was before. I want to tear you and everything about you into bits of pieces. I want to hit you like they way you beat me up when we were together. I wish I could just kill you slowly each day. This is not yet over. I'm getting back at you. I'm not that stupid not to know about it. I'm going to mess up your lives the way you messed up mine!!!!! And I hate you. I hate her. I hate all of you for lying to me. My kids will never be yours. YOu will die begging me to let you see them. I'm not as fuckin' weak as you think I am. I'm not dumb either. Hide everything you can hide from me because once I get to the bottom of this shit, I'm gonna let you eat the shit you've created!!!!!!! May all the demons devour your soul with misery and guilt. May all the fires of hell burn you and everyone who lied and covered things for you.

Another One

2006-10-24T16:51:00.000+08:00

After a failed marriage to a man I swore to love even after the world ends, what's a broken woman like me to do? I need to move on and indeed, I have moved on. I have evolved to become someone almost different to who I was within that marriage. I am slowly becoming who I want to be: confident and fearless; a woman who definitely knows her worth; a woman who can go on with life without a man. And it has been a tremendous challenge! I wonder how I ever made it through. However, I have learned to keep on falling and moving. And when I hit the ground, I get up. And I try to climb my way to the top, and when I start falling, I think and evaluate my life again. And when I hit bottom, I get up again. Same trick...but every fall gets harder. Men come and go. And I try to think of it that way. People have this misconception that just because you are alone with three kids, you are someone who is into one-night stands. People sometimes think that single moms are easy to have sex with. So casual. Just for fucking. But I know I am not that person. I getin bed with someone because I like that person. Not because I am horny and that I just want someone to fuck the hell out of me...When men treat me nastily as if I'm just some whore they found at some cheap bar, I get hurt. I cry. Deep within me, I know I am not that kind of girl some men mistake me for. I would never settle being an option again. No reason to prioritize someone who treats me as an option. I am craving for equality. An eye for an eye. Sometimes I think I deserve a brain for the eye that I have given. I deserve more and if you can't give me more than what I have given you, then I have to let you go. YOu know so well that I like you. I would never want to hurt you but it seems that you want me out of your life. So, I'm letting you go. I was fine before you came into my life, then it would be easier for me to see you walk out of that door. I see another stranger leaving me. But that is fine with me. Another one is walking my way. :D

2006-05-29T10:40:00.000+08:00

It's been two years since he left me. But I have never expected for things to turn out this damn good. I have never been so happy in my life till now! Finally, I know what I want in life. I know what I want and how to get it. Dating and single. Yup. I am so thankful of the wonderful and people who came my way. I know I truly deserve to be happy and I have my kids to complete me. I am not rushing anymore. If things happen, then they are truly bound to happen. One just have to enjoy life and cherish every moment. A woman shoudln't stop living her life just because a stupid man left her behind. Good things are bound to happen to good people. And I know I've been truly good lately. I deserve what I have right now. And I won't let anyone take that away from me. Life is beautiful.

ANYMORE

2006-04-04T16:21:00.000+08:00

why do you have to be so insensitive? i hate it when you pretend you're not hurting at all... i hate you and i hate myself for still beign there for you...still hoping. I don't want to think about you. I don't want to think anymore. Why do I have to compete for your attention when there are people out there willing to give me 100% of their attention? Why do I have to compete whenyou can't even give my half of what I want from you?

i am what i am

2006-04-02T19:21:00.000+08:00

I want to be in control with everything in life but it seems that it just can't be that way. Most of the awful things that I've been through wasn't my choice albeitly! Why do I have to suffer?! If I could turn back the time, would I choose to be in this same place? Most probably, yes! Ironically, yes! Would I do it all over again? YUP! No matter how this life sucks, I wouldn't change a thing about me and my past because I learned a lot from all the shit that I've been through. I wouldn't be what I am right now if not for the things and the people that came my way. Changing something from my past would be like me becoming an entirely different person; a stranger to my own personality. I dont' want to be another person other than who I am today.

same old him again.

2004-08-22T00:14:00.000+08:00

Nothing has changed. he still has not changed and I hate myself for loving him still. He still has not sort out his responsibilities. i hate him when he acts as if he is single. I hate it really when he just comes back to me after all those hurtful things he did to me. Just when I had my confidence back, here he comes knocking on my door again.

I pray that I will have the power and the will to leave him behind. I wish that I wouldn't get to see him everyday at work. I wish he no longer works here so I won't be hurt anymore.

I wish to never to ever speak to him again. I wish to never see hm again. I wish I would no longer be affected with anything that concerns him.

2004-08-07T23:55:00.000+08:00

I miss him. I miss touching his face, tracing his lips and brows while he is asleep. I am dying to hug him. Dying to kiss him. I am so hurt to see him everyday and not being able to go near him that much. I sometimes can't help but make excuses just to see him. I feel fine now that we're not together but I miss him so much. I miss just being with him and it makes me wanna cry. Two years of marriage is just too soon to end.Yet, they say that I must let go of the burning kettle. Sometimes I wish things would just be great for both of us. I feel so devastated because everything we tried to make something good out of our marriage, things would just crumble and sometimes would even break into a thousands of millions of pieces. Just like now. I heard his voice just a second ago.I feel like bursting into tears. I miss him so much. It seems that he is enjoying our set-up. He looks happy now that I'm gone. Probably he hopes that I'll be gone forever. But I really do wish we could try to work things out again. Piece by piece , you know. Try to make things better. I wanna go back to the very first time I met him, the first HELLO; and all the other first-times that we had like the date, the kiss, the night with him, the marriage proposal and every good memory that came between us. As I said, I wish to hide in them forever. I wish to just dwell in them. I wish to just stop feeling so miserable yet sometimes I really can't help feeling so low. I am honestly still hoping that everything would be fine for both of us and our kids. I truly wish that things will just fall into its right place soon. It's hard pretending you are strong. I usually breakdown. I wish things would just end. I wish the pain to go away. I wish the pain would just go away. Pain, please leave me like he did. Just leave me.

BROKEN

2004-07-31T08:02:00.000+08:00

How do you let go of someone you wanted to keep so badly, someone you love so much that you would be willing to risk your life and everything else just to make him happy?

It is like dying of cancer. I can feel it slowly taking hold of me and my systems. I can feel it eating me. I am slowly aware that it is about to end.

It is so wrecking to know that you are about to lose something and someone that you love more than your life. I can not explain the depressing feeling of knowing that it is going to end soon and that everything about the two of us will die.

I used to dream but I am too frightened to dream again. I am so frightened that he might not be willing to dream with me. His dreams might not be for me. It might be for himself alone. Or might be for someone else.

A part of me wants to give up and leave him behind. A stupid part of me wants to stay and give it a try. Ever since I met him, he always had been my world and I am terrified to leave everything behind because I might not be able to find comfort in another world. I am scared of what the other worlds might bring me; of what lies ahead of those worlds. I am terrified that I might not be able to move on without him. Terrified that I might be too weak to be alone without him; to have no one else for me.I am just fearful and terrified and frightened and all... I might not have the will and the power to say no once he comes knocking on my door again. I might not be able to bear the pain of losing him or seeing him with somebody else.

NEVERNEVERLAND

2004-07-21T04:14:00.000+08:00

I HATE WAKING UP IN THE MORNING.

There seems to be no reason good enough for me to smile today. I woke up unhappy today and for sure the rest of my day would be as damned as my freakin' face. I wish the world would just end or my world would just end. I feel so unhappy and lonely for a month or two now. I really can't understand why I am so damned these past few weeks. I hate coming to work because I hate seeing these freakin' people around me. I hate coming to work and I hate coming to work!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone and lonely. Sometimes I feel like going out and just going wild and free. Even just for an hour or two. I am so tired of being what I am to other people and what I am to him. I hate being what I am.

I wish I could go back at those hapy momments in my life. Those times when I was just happy and carefree. Those times when I was only worrying about myself. Sometimes, I don't even worry at all. I wish I could just hide in those happy thoughts. I wish to stay in a suspended state of bliss. I wish to stay in Neverneverland and never again to return to wherever it is that I belong. I wish to live in a place where I could just be happy.

I was asking myself today why on hell am I still hanging on in a relationship that is not really gonna work out. Why am I still here when he is ot even making me happy? Lately I feel like shit and he is treating me like one.

I am so confused and so lost. I don't know the way home. Worse, I can't even remember if I ever had a home out there.

Silent Thoughts

2004-07-06T05:03:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I think you are so unfair. You always try to get my attention whenever I stray, yet you never seem to care about others straying. Why does it have to be this way? Can't just the world be fair enough? I remember begging you to take this burden away from me and then I changed my mind. I told you that I would endure all the pain just to have him good again. I said that perhaps you are doing this to me because maybe now he is just too much to bear and you pity me, that is why you are temporarily taking him away from me. And maybe soon when he is better and better than before, you will deliver him to me... and you did deliver him to me. And now, I am so exhausted, I feel like begging you to take him away and somehow, I can sense that you're not gonna grant my request. And I find it funny now. Whatever it is that you have in mind, I trust you. I trust you just please don't make it much painful than it is now. Just don't make it harder than the usual. Please just make me strong and brave enough to accept your will and be able to move on. Just make me better and stronger please. Just make me better. I can be so stupid, I know. Lessen my stupidity. Lessen my pride, my hate, my insecurities. Lessen my being if that could make me better as a person.

BRACKISH

2004-06-29T04:12:00.000+08:00

Some people just don't die, do they? Some people just don't die! I hate her and everything about her. I hate him and everything about them. I hate them to the bones. Who freakin' knows thay he still loves her? Or that she still thinks of him? What the heck? How can the world be so unfair and me so fair to everyone?! What the *&$%? I wish I never came as far as this. I wish I never met him. For the first time we've ever been together, I wish I just never met him and I never had to go through all the pain I am going through right now. I know this. This scene looks so familiar and I hate it but I can't stop it if he really wants to do it. He doesn't feel the same as he does for me and me too. I don't feel the same for him too. I am always reminded of all the beatings I get from him. I hate it everytime that I reminded of all those nasty things. Oh, freak! Yes, I do love him but I am always eaten raw by everything around me. And it so hurtful that he doesn't even care though he knows that I am hurting.

i am tired

2004-06-28T03:06:00.000+08:00

I am so tired of everything and I feel like tearing you into a million pieces. I feel like screaming at you. I feel like hitting you and hitting you until I can hit you no more. I am so tired of being there for you. I am so tired of being patient. I am so tired of everything. I hate you for being so selfish. I hate you for being so mean. I hate you when you hit me. I hate you when you kick me. I hate it when you pretend you don't care at all.

SO LONELY IN A CROWDED ROOM

2004-06-24T10:25:00.000+08:00

I feel so lonely in this crowded room. I can hear everyone talking, laughing and fooling around. And it is indeed lonely to be here, among them. I don't know why you have to make me feel this way. I feel like you are rejoicing, in a subtle way, to see me fighting all the demons in my head. You see pleasure in my pain. Your laughter echoes in the room as I cry. And that is of course, because you know that I love you and that I am willing to give up everything for you. And just what do I get in return? Don't bother to know. I am not even sure. YOu make me feel so bad about being just me and you are so mean when you are just YOU. You make me feel terrible about me and you told me that you love me. It is unbelievable...is it me or is it you? I remember them all. I remember your stories about them, your smiles when you talk about them. I can remember the times you hit me because of them. The times you yelled, screamed, kicked and spat on my face because you love me no more. Because you found someone new. Someone beautiful, pretty, rich, intelligent and smart, and fun to be with. Someone who does not know you at all. Someone who does not know the real you. And I am just left alone, desperate. These painful thoughts are haunting me and I bury them inside. Bury them alive. I bury them because unleashing these demons is just too much for me to battle now. And I am not sure if you would be there to fight it with me. Or, you will be with them fighting against me.

INSECURITIES

2004-06-24T04:36:00.000+08:00

When insecurities eat you raw, you tend to hide or perhaps dwell on the pain and savour the feeling of being eaten alive. I am so tired of everything around me and it is so pathetic because it is always haunting me. I am always haunted by my past, and the hate and anger that I have kept inside for so long now. So many thngs I hide, so many things I can't let go. Each day, I feel like throwing up. Hoping that when I do, everything that is within me would come out of my system. Hoping that all the pain, the anxiety, anger, guilt, shame, and hate would disapper. Yet, I love the pain. I love hating and I enjoy getting hurt. I am so tired of complaining. I am so damn tired of complaining. I hate everything and the world around me. Soon, it will be over. This will soon pass. I know.

love letters

2004-04-16T12:17:00.000+08:00

Just like any other loveletters I wrote, there's no other reason why I'm sending you this except that my love for you is overwhelming. It has always been overwhelming, drowning me and my being into an abyss of unexplainable joy and happiness especially when I'm with you. From the day I let you in my life, everything around me and everything within me had changed. I am not the person I was before because I am more better now and I am still getting better everyday. Because of your presence, my world started to light up in a very special and magical way, that I can not even fathom nor explain. I love you in a way that I know best how,yet in a way that I don't know why. Nevertheless, I love you and you had and will always have me with you...beside you. I will never leave you and I will always love you with a love so pure and true. Till the last day of my life... even a day after forever... I will be there holding you tight.