BROKEN

How do you let go of someone you wanted to keep so badly, someone you love so much that you would be willing to risk your life and everything else just to make him happy?

It is like dying of cancer. I can feel it slowly taking hold of me and my systems. I can feel it eating me. I am slowly aware that it is about to end.

It is so wrecking to know that you are about to lose something and someone that you love more than your life. I can not explain the depressing feeling of knowing that it is going to end soon and that everything about the two of us will die.

I used to dream but I am too frightened to dream again. I am so frightened that he might not be willing to dream with me. His dreams might not be for me. It might be for himself alone. Or might be for someone else.

A part of me wants to give up and leave him behind. A stupid part of me wants to stay and give it a try. Ever since I met him, he always had been my world and I am terrified to leave everything behind because I might not be able to find comfort in another world. I am scared of what the other worlds might bring me; of what lies ahead of those worlds. I am terrified that I might not be able to move on without him. Terrified that I might be too weak to be alone without him; to have no one else for me.I am just fearful and terrified and frightened and all... I might not have the will and the power to say no once he comes knocking on my door again. I might not be able to bear the pain of losing him or seeing him with somebody else.

NEVERNEVERLAND

I HATE WAKING UP IN THE MORNING.

There seems to be no reason good enough for me to smile today. I woke up unhappy today and for sure the rest of my day would be as damned as my freakin' face. I wish the world would just end or my world would just end. I feel so unhappy and lonely for a month or two now. I really can't understand why I am so damned these past few weeks. I hate coming to work because I hate seeing these freakin' people around me. I hate coming to work and I hate coming to work!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone and lonely. Sometimes I feel like going out and just going wild and free. Even just for an hour or two. I am so tired of being what I am to other people and what I am to him. I hate being what I am.

I wish I could go back at those hapy momments in my life. Those times when I was just happy and carefree. Those times when I was only worrying about myself. Sometimes, I don't even worry at all. I wish I could just hide in those happy thoughts. I wish to stay in a suspended state of bliss. I wish to stay in Neverneverland and never again to return to wherever it is that I belong. I wish to live in a place where I could just be happy.

I was asking myself today why on hell am I still hanging on in a relationship that is not really gonna work out. Why am I still here when he is ot even making me happy? Lately I feel like shit and he is treating me like one.

I am so confused and so lost. I don't know the way home. Worse, I can't even remember if I ever had a home out there.

Silent Thoughts

Sometimes I think you are so unfair. You always try to get my attention whenever I stray, yet you never seem to care about others straying. Why does it have to be this way? Can't just the world be fair enough? I remember begging you to take this burden away from me and then I changed my mind. I told you that I would endure all the pain just to have him good again. I said that perhaps you are doing this to me because maybe now he is just too much to bear and you pity me, that is why you are temporarily taking him away from me. And maybe soon when he is better and better than before, you will deliver him to me... and you did deliver him to me. And now, I am so exhausted, I feel like begging you to take him away and somehow, I can sense that you're not gonna grant my request. And I find it funny now. Whatever it is that you have in mind, I trust you. I trust you just please don't make it much painful than it is now. Just don't make it harder than the usual. Please just make me strong and brave enough to accept your will and be able to move on. Just make me better and stronger please. Just make me better. I can be so stupid, I know. Lessen my stupidity. Lessen my pride, my hate, my insecurities. Lessen my being if that could make me better as a person.