BRACKISH

Some people just don't die, do they? Some people just don't die! I hate her and everything about her. I hate him and everything about them. I hate them to the bones. Who freakin' knows thay he still loves her? Or that she still thinks of him? What the heck? How can the world be so unfair and me so fair to everyone?! What the *&$%? I wish I never came as far as this. I wish I never met him. For the first time we've ever been together, I wish I just never met him and I never had to go through all the pain I am going through right now. I know this. This scene looks so familiar and I hate it but I can't stop it if he really wants to do it. He doesn't feel the same as he does for me and me too. I don't feel the same for him too. I am always reminded of all the beatings I get from him. I hate it everytime that I reminded of all those nasty things. Oh, freak! Yes, I do love him but I am always eaten raw by everything around me. And it so hurtful that he doesn't even care though he knows that I am hurting.

i am tired

I am so tired of everything and I feel like tearing you into a million pieces. I feel like screaming at you. I feel like hitting you and hitting you until I can hit you no more. I am so tired of being there for you. I am so tired of being patient. I am so tired of everything. I hate you for being so selfish. I hate you for being so mean. I hate you when you hit me. I hate you when you kick me. I hate it when you pretend you don't care at all.

SO LONELY IN A CROWDED ROOM

I feel so lonely in this crowded room. I can hear everyone talking, laughing and fooling around. And it is indeed lonely to be here, among them. I don't know why you have to make me feel this way. I feel like you are rejoicing, in a subtle way, to see me fighting all the demons in my head. You see pleasure in my pain. Your laughter echoes in the room as I cry. And that is of course, because you know that I love you and that I am willing to give up everything for you. And just what do I get in return? Don't bother to know. I am not even sure. YOu make me feel so bad about being just me and you are so mean when you are just YOU. You make me feel terrible about me and you told me that you love me. It is unbelievable...is it me or is it you? I remember them all. I remember your stories about them, your smiles when you talk about them. I can remember the times you hit me because of them. The times you yelled, screamed, kicked and spat on my face because you love me no more. Because you found someone new. Someone beautiful, pretty, rich, intelligent and smart, and fun to be with. Someone who does not know you at all. Someone who does not know the real you. And I am just left alone, desperate. These painful thoughts are haunting me and I bury them inside. Bury them alive. I bury them because unleashing these demons is just too much for me to battle now. And I am not sure if you would be there to fight it with me. Or, you will be with them fighting against me.

INSECURITIES

When insecurities eat you raw, you tend to hide or perhaps dwell on the pain and savour the feeling of being eaten alive. I am so tired of everything around me and it is so pathetic because it is always haunting me. I am always haunted by my past, and the hate and anger that I have kept inside for so long now. So many thngs I hide, so many things I can't let go. Each day, I feel like throwing up. Hoping that when I do, everything that is within me would come out of my system. Hoping that all the pain, the anxiety, anger, guilt, shame, and hate would disapper. Yet, I love the pain. I love hating and I enjoy getting hurt. I am so tired of complaining. I am so damn tired of complaining. I hate everything and the world around me. Soon, it will be over. This will soon pass. I know.